My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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