he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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