Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
