remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
