Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
a search helicopter?!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
