Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
