The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
