oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
