Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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