Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
