8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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