you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
