I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize