just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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