i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
