he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He did a backflip because drugs
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
