i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
