so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
