If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My liver just had a heart attack.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
