just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
