I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
