I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
