Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
