It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
