I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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