I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
