For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
