I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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