My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
