She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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