It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
