1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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