I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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