Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
