She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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