Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
