my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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