I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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