Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
