Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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