Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How external is "for external use only"?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
