There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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