im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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