Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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