my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
