life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls