It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
