I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
