just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
