Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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