Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
