the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
