I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
