At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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