i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
