Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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