I heard we made out
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
