I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
